I’m tired of emotional attachments

To me, being emotionally attached to someone is equivalent to giving this person power over your feelings. It takes one heated argument for them to ruin your day or one loving conversation for them to make your day. Why is it that caring about someone comes at such at emotional expense?

At this time in my life I have the privilege of saying that I know a lot of people. However for the past few months I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling suffocated by maintaining close friendships with people because it’s such a huge emotional investment. I’m suddenly these all these people’s mum, therapist and personal cheerleader all at once. I recognise the importance of having supportive friends in life because everyone needs someone to talk to –  but everyday? really? The problem is that the majority of my friends get upset and insulted when I purposely choose to reply 2 or 3 days later. Quite frankly it’s because I don’t actually care about what you’re wearing tonight or what hilarious joke your sister told you.

At first I thought this was because I had too many friends at once, so last month I decided to cut down and only give my attention to my 3 closest friends. I could only bear a maximum of 2 full conversations with each person in the space of a month. Every other time, I felt myself becoming bored and eager to leave to conversation in order to be by myself. So I just ignored them, spending more and more time alone as the days went by.

This might sound heartless but I care about these people in the sense that if something life threatening was happening to them then they’d have my undivided attention. But the probability of them being in a life or death situation is very low on a day to day basis. This means that every other day I’m supposed give a damn about everything else in their life. I really don’t care about people that much any more and lord knows I hate small talk.

I think this is because I’ve finally become very comfortable in my own skin and I’ve learned to love my own company. I grew up emotionally detached from my parents and still to this day I feel like a stranger in my own home when they’re around. I’ve spent my life trying to gain their love and affection only to be abused in return.  It’s heartbreaking, being attached to someone. I’ve had certain expectations of people in life and I’ve been let down a lot.

Now I literally have no expectations from people because I’ve gone past caring. If people want to stay in my life, they can stay. If they want to go, they can go. I have no fight left in me for people. I love being alone.

alone
Note: There is a difference between isolation and solitude. Isolation is being cut off from the rest of the world, feeling lonely and devastated. Solitude is the ability to be away from the rest of the world and feeling invigorated by it, knowing fully well that I have access to people. I personally enjoy my alone time more than anything, however I can still enjoy human connection in moderation. I don’t encourage you to cut off emotional ties, it’s just the way I’m currently feeling due to personal experience. 

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43 thoughts on “I’m tired of emotional attachments

  1. I’m the exact same way, my good friends know not to bother me with small talk every day because I simply just don’t care and I have enough going on as it is. I really enjoy my alone time and I luckily have surrounded myself with people who respect that 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ah I’m glad there are other people who feel like this. I think most people would struggle to understand why you don’t care about every detail of their lives but truth is, it’s completely unnecessary. You’re indeed very lucky to have friends like that ☺️

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  2. Have you ever viewed the movie, “Celestine Prophecy”? It goes into the ‘relationship’ thing. It touches on what you have written here.
    I relate to what you say about “love your own company”. I was a lifer at pleasing others. When I learned to ‘love me’ and be content with me, that became a weeding out process of my ‘friends’. I eventually just let it happen as a natural event and have been elated with the true genuine friends who are with me today. I just let my heart guide me.
    It was confusing and frustrating at first, but in time, I figured it out.
    Thanx for this post. ren

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’ve basically gone through a similar detaching myself from others too. It started with the end of my last relationship two years ago, to which I’ve never been on so much as a single date since then. I’ve also had a lot of people walk out of my life in the past couple of years for varying reasons. So be it. Though it hurt at first, I’ve come to accept it and just go with it. I refuse to be someone I’m not for the sake of another.

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    • I understand 🙂 I think as long as you feel happier this way then there is nothing wrong with it. It’s when you start feeling that you lack something that this emotional detachment can actually hurt you. I’m glad to hear that you’ve learned to accept it and go with it. That’s all we can do in life, let things happen naturally and go with the flow ☺

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  4. I’m also a people pleaser, and thoroughly enjoyed this post! My friendship circle has also changed dramatically these past few years, but i am certainly better off for it now. x

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  5. I can relate to the emotional detachment aspects, primarily because I’m mostly an INTJ in personality. I think being able to dedicate your time to more meaningful interactions is nothing wrong, but since our society is centered around pleasing others (or as they say, being social for the sake of being social) it is seen as a mistake of try and live in solitude.

    Meaningful interactions however hold more weight and a means to happiness in my opinion. But that is simply my introverted brain thought process speaking here as it has been scientifically proven that extroverts get more out of quick small talk than heavy philosophical discussions/debates most of the time. Sadly our world is constructed on the basis of small talk, we can’t just jump straight into meaty discussions, especially not with strangers. But I suppose both types of conversations have their merits :).

    These friends of yours that seem to require so much attention from you, have you tried directly making it clear to them that you need space to yourself?

    Maybe they are under the perception of something completely different from what you may think (a sense of miscommunication between the personal needs of one another).

    If you have done that, and they just don’t understand or maybe respect that choice, then perhaps they may not be the right friends for you. Don’t take that as an absolute statement since I don’t know your friends nor do I know the exact circumstances of your life and personality. That is just my honest opinion based on my limited understanding :).

    Liked by 1 person

    • You make excellent points, our society is definitely centered around being social for the sake of being social and that’s why it’s so difficult to live in solitude and feel normal about it. Wow I didn’t know that some people actually get something out of small talk, I’m surprised to learn this. I’m like you, a huge believer in meaningful conversations – there’s nothing more satisfying than deep philosophical discussions with friends. That’s the sort of interaction I value.

      No I haven’t actually explained this to them so I guess I could try. I think that it would be difficult for them to understand why I would prefer not to talk 24/7 when that’s basically how they live their lives. I have to point out that there are certain friends who do give me breathing space and don’t take it personally so these sorts of people do exist but are rare in my experience.

      Thank you for taking the time to write such an insightful comment! I’d love to keep hearing more from you ☺

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yup, people do find meaning in small talk, just like people find meaning in lengthier and deeper conversations. Quite the wonder the human mind can be sometimes.

        At least you have some friends who are willing to understand. Now this is just my personal opinion, so take it with a grain of salt. I think it would be better for you to focus on the people who do understand you and accept you for who you are rather than those unwilling to compromise on things.

        Friendships are like a relationship in which both parties have to compromise sometimes. If one doesn’t want to, then it becomes nothing more than an emotional anchor for the one suffering the most.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I loved this post! It’s funny, I’m actually a strong advocate for attachments and relationships. I would always get into lengthy debates and arguments with my uncle who tried to preach how emotional attachments were like poison. I’d be on the other end explaining how he was missing out; some attachments can make you feel happy and wonderful.

    However, I love and completely agree with the way you’ve explained it here. It’s not that your pushing people away or closing yourself up in fear of developing an attachment. You have close friends who you care for. You’re simply living, and sometimes you enjoy being in only your own skin in only your own company. That’s empowering- thank you for writing this post!

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  7. Totally get this. Sometimes the air becomes too thick to breathe. However, just remember to give when you can – so that they will be there for you when you need them. All relationships need to be grown (at least a little), but enjoy your “me time.” It is not really a bad thing.

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  8. Really good. I liked it. And I can completely understand what you mean.

    I think it is just weird feeling, knowing that you kind of want to stay in touch, BECAUSE you care about those people, but as soon as a “conversation” comes up, you realize how you are not into that kind of smalltalk.

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  9. I loved every word of this post. I got very emotionally attached to a male friend of mine last year (J.) – So much so that it started to threaten my relationship with my then-fiance (now husband). After a difficult discussion with my fiance, I realized that I was so attached, in so deep that it was becoming harmful to myself and those closest to me. I made the decision to stop talking to J. online, and then in May, both J. and his girlfriend detached themselves from me. It was tough, making these decisions, but I know it will help both of us in the long term. J. wanted to strengthen his relationship with his girlfriend, whom he loves very much and wants to marry her someday. I admire him for that. I’m glad I’ve started to put this part of my past behind me, and move forward with my amazing husband and our new home!

    You have a new reader and follower. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    Sincerely,
    Laura Beth
    hotshotheadlines.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hey Laura, I’m happy you’ve managed to put this to put this behind you and move on with your life. I understand that it can be very difficult to break an emotional attachment like that, but you rightly recognised that it’s not worth damaging you and your husband’s relationship. I’m glad you’re able to have these difficult discussions with him. That’s what will keep you two strong in the long run 🙂

    Thank you for reading, I look forward to hearing more from you!

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  11. I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago, I emotionally invested myself into that relationship (he was my best friend too) and since then I really do not have the mental strength to carry on conversations with people and to go out and hang with friends mostly because I don’t care. I have zero desire to hear about what they did on Saturday night, it all seems pointless. I mentioned something similar to what you wrote in one of my previous blogs, even replying a text feels like climbing a mountain.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way, I feel less horrible now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes we’d rather just be on our own and that’s perfectly normal. In fact I think it’s the healthiest thing for you because you’re learning to find yourself again after being tied to your boyfriend for so long. We’re all we have in life because other people just come and go. You’re the most important person you know and you should never feel horrible about putting yourself first 🙂 One thing I have to say is, make sure you’re keeping yourself busy in your time alone so that your thoughts don’t drift back to him hurting you over and over again. I know it’s difficult though. I hope you feel better soon ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Well there is a direction pursued when the drama is peopled by characters drawn to the titular entity now become the sludge of a “circle of friends”. Often the sensitive, divining individual, becomes aware of the embodiment of such a group, feels the threat to self discovery and finds hope in detachment. Staying immersed in crowds or groups seeking identity confirmation will stifle the questing individual, in fact the ten to define us, and for some we dream of rescue from this.
    I suspect that you are some kind of a therapist, due to the manner in which you address your subject matter, as if put out there for “bounce”, as in bouncing around a subject for discussion. Thank you for this lovely post.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for responding to the inquiring thought. And you are welcome. I understand better the underlying impressions which led me to consider you as a therapist. And, welcome

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  13. I completely relate but sometimes you do meet people who are worth hanging on to, at least for a while. And if you just loosely say; I don’t care if you go or stay then the relationship might not end well. I’ve been there, most people are not as detached as you. Because you’ve been through some rough spots so petty things do not hurt you anymore, it’s an advantage but don’t expect other people to understand it. But I get where are you are coming from, their problems just seem so freaking superficial, lol. I will follow your blog for sure!

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  14. We do tend to cling to people longer than is good for us at times, I suppose hoping things will improve. I enjoy my time alone which is a choice for solitude not isolation. I go to visit friends and often find an annoying person hanging round then think it is better to be at home in the tranquility. Though we must have interaction with people even if it is just sitting quietly with them. Good post.

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  15. “Tunnel vision” was once described to me as a way to self-preserve and only focus on what immediately affects you, in your world, in the day-to-day.
    I used to think that was cold and apathetic. Now, though, I realize how important it can be to cut yourself off from people that overwhelm you with things you can’t control or don’t want to hear in the first place.
    A very relatable post. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

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