Suicidal

At the start of this summer I knew that I’d be going through hell if I stayed at home with my parents the entire time like I’ve always done. But I’m 18 now, I thought. I can make as many plans as I want and I can stay out of the house as much as possible.

So, that’s what I did. For 3 weeks straight I said yes to every plan proposed by my friends and I ensured that they all happened (for my sake). I was out almost everyday laughing and taking amazing photos – two of my favourite pastimes. It was bliss.

But then this coping mechanism of mine to stay out everyday with friends backfired. I felt suffocated by all this human interaction. It was nice at first but then it became too intense. I explored this in my previous post I’m tired of emotional attachments‘. Life is all about balance. At that moment, I had lost the concept of spending time with people in moderation and I felt overwhelmed. So I went from one extreme to the other. I stopped going out and I lived like I normally would.

As I snapped out of my imaginary bliss, all the pains I’d been repressing rose to the surface again. My parents were the trigger. I’m subjected to my father’s aggressive behaviour towards me and everyday I’m in awe at how he shamelessly makes me do all his work (writing his letters, emails, texts, making work phone calls) and takes full credit for it whilst he treats me like shit. Never a “please” or a “thank you”. Just “do this or I’ll hurt you”. Sometimes I cry whilst I’m doing the task because he stands right behind me watching and insulting me at the same time. I try not to let him see though because he calls me way worse things when I cry.

My mother always tells me that I am the most troublesome and disrespectful child to ever walk this planet. Her justification behind this is that I used to scream and cry all the time when I was a baby. My baby photos do support this – I’m wailing out in almost all of them. I’m her first child so it was very hard for her. It doesn’t help when your husband is an abusive asshole. What blows my mind is that she holds me responsible for behaviour that I don’t even recall as a baby. That’s what babies do don’t they? They cry. My mother treats me like I’m vile. Once when I was young I went to hold her arm probably for comfort and she pushed me away saying “Get off me, I feel so disgusted when you touch me”. I never forgot that.

On Saturday, I went to a passport photo shop to take some new photos. My younger siblings and father came with me. When he saw the photos, he started shouting at me in front of everyone about how ugly I look without my glasses on. I felt so embarrassed and hurt. I cried for ages when I got home. A younger me with no self esteem used to believe that I was ugly because my parents often said so. As I grew up and compliments added up, I realised that although I’m no supermodel, I’m certainly not ugly. When I told my friends about this they were outraged at my parents’ insanity and finally understood why I hate them with a passion. Even if I was ugly, what was the need to publicly humiliate me like that? How can you call people ugly? Let alone your own child?

This Monday it was my little sister’s birthday which I was excited for and my mother said to me “go out today and come back at night”. “Why?” I asked. “I’m not telling you” she replied. Later I found out that they planned a day out without me. I was left home alone. I’ve never felt so unwanted and hurt in my life.

It’s results day on the 18th of August. I find out whether or not I’ve been accepted into  university which is well away from home. I wouldn’t have to live here anymore. I don’t think I did well enough in my exams to get in but I’m hoping for a miracle because I can’t do this any more. The pain is unbearable. Everyday is a struggle. I’d rather be gone.

I know that I only feel this way because of my parents but isn’t it true that my parents are tied to me for the rest of my life? I can’t just cut them off and I’m losing the will to live.

_____________________________________________________________________

Exciting life update following this post: Click here 

Overwhelmed by all the love and support. I appreciate every single comment and I’m very grateful to be part of such a beautiful and caring blogging community ❤️

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44 thoughts on “Suicidal

  1. This is heartbreaking to read, how you are being treated is just awful 😦 I relate to you so muxh. I grew up in an abusive family. I’m 35 now, and took great pleasure in finally cutting them out of my life a few years ago. I nearly killed myself because of them, but now I am in a good place. You will be able to cut them out, in time. Your ‘life will’ may be absent while you are in contact with them. You are worth fighting for lovely. It won’t always be this bad. Please check out my blog, the #go fix movement, raising suicide awareness. Reach out to me and other people, and I really hope you do get your exam ticket to university. If you don’t get freedom that way, seek out other ways. You HAVE to get away from their abusive toxicity 💝❤ hugs Imani

    Liked by 4 people

  2. It sounds to me as though you have narcissistic parents. I know because I have a friend whose parents were the exact same. The pattern here is that they are abusive and they blame you for their shortcomings. They find everything to nitpick about you to shift their own insecurities away from them.

    The best thing my friend ever did? Cease communication with them entirely. It was a huge weight lifted off of her shoulders. Just because they brought you into the world does not mean you have to have anything to do with them. If they insist on treating you like shit they don’t deserve to have you in their lives. Period.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Wow. I’m so sorry that you are being treated this way. They are sick. Yes, you CAN cut them off once you’re on your own and it would probably be the healthiest decision you could make. They’ll probably hold siblings hostage but they’ll be free to do what they want to do when they’re old enough. Go. Go to University and get the hell out of there. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. “Her justification behind this is that I used to scream and cry all the time when I was a baby. My baby photos do support this – I’m wailing out in almost all of them.”

    I think that’s more of a sign of what type of parents they are rather than proof of there being something wrong with you. Of course there was nothing wrong with you then, and there’s nothing wrong with you now. It’s like what others have already said in these comments: your parents are toxic to you.

    And I echo what others have said. Cut them off as soon as possible. Believe me, once you do that, you will feel a tremendous weight lifted from your shoulders.

    I hope you get to go to a university. If not, though, I suggest finding another way of leaving them such as moving in with a relative or a friend. Find a job, support yourself as best you can, and live without those toxic people in your life. Start making your plans now. That will help you to turn your mind, and your life, toward a better future for yourself. You can do it. I believe in you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Interesting question you ask: “but isn’t it true that my parents are tied to me for the rest of my life? I can’t just cut them off and I’m losing the will to live.”

    I recently heard a song, On Children.
    One of the lyrics talks about how
    children are not your children, they come through you and not from you
    It gave me a new perspective of my children, who are adults now. And, if I had it to do over? I would want knowledge of this song!

    See if this link works On Children – Damien Rice

    Liked by 1 person

      • Wow…I know what you mean. It brought tears to my heart. Gave me a whole new outlook on my own grown kids. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I am grateful you liked the song.
        I am now beginning my return to blogging. I look forward to getting to know you better. ren

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry you’re being treated like this. I’m 18 and I’m living on my own, due to emotionally abusive parents. I got blamed for my sister’s near death accident when she was on a mission trip in Africa. .. I never pleased my mom enough. . She would apologize but do the same horrible things over and over again. She made my life a living hell. .. with the advice of many other supportive adults, I moved out. I’m fighting depression right now, but cutting my family off is the best thing for me to do. My depression was so bad, I started cutting. .. had suicidal thoughts. . I’m getting help now. I would advise you to find support, I’m going to say a prayer for you. Sorry that you have to go through this. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  7. If you need someone to talk to, contact me via WordPress, and I’ll be here for ya. I can give you my email. I’m sorry you are going thru this 😦 Feel free to contact me. Hugssss, Tamara

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I definitely agree with all the other comments here – your parents’ abusive behaviour is as heart-breaking as it is inexcusable. I say this as a father of two – there is NEVER a valid excuse to abuse a child, even verbally. It’s just pure evil.

    I sincerely hope you get the exam results you need – reading some of your earlier posts, you seem a really intelligent and thoughtful person, and I believe you will *thrive* at university. Stay strong – even the darkest tunnels have light at each end.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You have a gift, likely many gifts, of a powerful written voice. Your parents have no idea how talented you are and that is so very wrong. Please know I recognize your obvious intelligence and outstanding writing skills. You will get out and go on to greater greatness! Hone your skills and ignore the critisms and just hang in there.
    The world is your oyster my dear… shuck it😉 Take good care of you and don’t give up.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure such pain & abuse. I went through a similar ordeal with close family and have been struggling to distance myself from them. It’s been healthier for me to do so. I hope you’re able to overcome this because you deserve much better. Take care lovely ❤❤❤ HUGS

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hm. I think, referring to your last sentence, it is possible to “cut them off”. Not easy, but possible. It is the same kind of “moderation” you described before.
    Your first step should be to get away and the university would be a perfect start.
    At the moment it seems like all you need is a physical distance between you and your parents. As soon as this is done, you are in complete control of what will happen next. You will work for YOUR dreams come true and for YOUR future to happen. Not your fathers or anyone elses. It needs willpower and a lot of “discipline”. The way you describe your parents, I fear they will try a lot to still somehow control you, but again… THIS WILL BE YOUR (AND YOURS ONLY) CHANCE!
    Risk it! Embrace it! Give it all you got!
    You have been through a lot, but you know what? You are still writing. You are still fighting. And, for f**ks sake, you are still standing.

    From my point of view, I think you are more than able to rock this! Even without knowing you personally, only knowing your written voice, I believe that you and your personality will flourish in all of this newborn chaos that will happen after all of this.

    I know it sounds stupid via internet, but myself and my thoughts are with you! ❤

    Keep your head high and your middle finger higher! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hey Wavering Parisian (loving the name, by the way!)

    I found this post heartbreaking – and I am in awe of the strength that you clearly have within you.

    You won’t believe me, but a few years from now, you will be able to look back at yourself (and your parents), and congratulate yourself on how much farther you have travelled.

    Keep the faith, stay well and believe you can be all that you want to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. If you feel suicidal you can go to an emergency room and they will get a mental health professional to speak with you.
    If it is bad but you are not thinking of suicide and you just need someone to talk to, there are places online where there are people to chat with.
    One of them is called 6 cups of tea.
    There are some others on tumblr of you look up the tag “depression” on tumblr something will pop up that you can link to.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. WOW this really touched me. Your parent’s have no right to treat you like they do, but please rest assured that you will one day look back and know that you left them behind. It will be this time when you realise that you finally found who you are. Your parents affect you now because you are young and are forced to live with them. But stay strong because you will be able to get away from your overbearing family one day. I promise you! Good luck with your exam results in August. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I was lucky enough to grow up in a stable family environment. My actions made it slightly fractured and complicated but I always knew I was loved. I spent most of my teen years wayward, addicted to various substances and generally bringing the complications that come with them into the family home.

    My situation is nothing like yours but as someone else posted you’re in a toxic situation. When you know you’ve got to leave and getaway you’d be surprised at how much you change in yourself. I wish you the best of luck for results day and hope you can leave based on them. Tom

    Liked by 1 person

  16. You can totally cut them off!

    And my child was a hideously hard baby and I had post natal depression. I do not however hold it against her now! I hated the baby experience and was completely miserable but it’s not her fault! And now she is awesome! So yeah – parents who do that are giving up their right to have a relationship with you if you don’t want one.

    Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Don’t give up living. I’m a parent and I know that I’m a rough one. I don’t like the way that you feel around your parents, but I can tell you that like any other person, it’s hard for them to understand the harm that they cause. I’m certain that they love you and provide for you. It just seems as though they don’t know how to love you in the way that you need love. I’m praying that you get into the school that is away from it all, so that you can succeed in becoming the adult that you want to be. Be different and stand out. Find your balance in life. Do what will make you happy and at the same time cause you to succeed in life, not just school or at home, but in LIFE! You have a good mind from what I’ve read, don’t waste that. One day your parents will have an ear to really listen to your heart, I pray that that day comes quickly for you. Until then, my prayer is that you stay strong in the midst of this. It is worse for some and better for others and yours is not the worse I’ve seen. You will make it. Keep your head up and keep taking pictures. (SMILE).

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I’m sorry to hear about your story. I do think however that you proved that you can be social and that people do like you. You have this unvalid idea in your head put in there by society and your parents that you are not worth it. It’s bullshit. And you should cut them off for a while. You do NOT have to stay with assholes even if they are your parents. Life isn’t fair and good parents are so important.
    My dad is quite a diffuclt dude too, it sucks because we expect love from them. But the thing is you are strong enough alone, you have survived up until this point so you will survive even further. I wish you the best, I know life can be hell. But this too shall pass.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. As someone who’s also been suicidal, for different reasons, I have to start by saying… I’m sorry. It’s a horrible place to be and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy

    But, I promise you. It gets better.

    You have time on your side, you have

    Like

    • Sorry it posted without me finishing…

      You have a beautiful soul, as we all do, that you are yet to let shine.

      There is no real reason why you should separate yourself from your parents. To me it seems like they are a big source of the problem.

      Get out, get a good job, explore the world, make something amazing out of your life..

      And then come back.

      And see how things have changed now that you are a stronger person.

      I have faith that you will be fine.

      Let me know if there’s any way I can help. I’ve been where you’ve been.

      Eli

      Like

  20. I came to read this late, after getting a like from you on my post, “Number One Anti-Worry Formula.” At the risk of sounding cliched, remember that “hurting people hurt people.” You’re parents must be dealing with lots of pain in their own lives.
    Don’t know how else to say this but you can’t let the opinions of others decide your value. As human beings, our eyes are all clouded by our own brokeness so we can’t have an accurate picture of the real value, treasure and beauty that are in others or in ourselves. There’s a little thing called sin in the world that has skewed and corrupted everything that God meant to be good and pure and beautiful….like each one of us.
    Again, at the risk of giving a pat answer and one you might find hard to accept right now, no matter what others say about us (I was called ugly among other things in junior high school and by the time I was in my 20s, I felt like no intelligent man in his right mind would ever fall in love with me) we are loved with crazy, passionate love by our heavenly Father who only wants the best for us. He wants to live in intimate relationship with us and we can do that through accepting for ourselves what his Son Jesus did for us by dying for us on the cross in payment for our sins. When we become his son or daughter and know how precious and significant we are to him, it doesn’t matter what others think of us. He gives our lives new meaning, new hope and new purpose.
    I’d suggest buying a copy of author Max Lucado’s children’s book, “You Are Special.” It’s a sweet story with a message that will impact adults as well and pretty much sums up what I’ve been trying to say. Know that you are gorgeous, precious, smart and LOVED.

    Like

  21. “I was out almost everyday laughing and taking amazing photos – two of my favourite pastimes. It was bliss.” Two of my favourite passtimes as well !!! 🙂 Can’t begin to describe how much taking photos and learning it’s okay to feel good and happy and laugh have helped me change my life. YOU inspire me! Thanks for sharing! Sending love and hugs ❤

    Like

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