I’m leaving for university this Sunday and the reality just sinking in. No more home cooked meals waiting for me at the dinner table. No more mum bringing me soup when I’m slumped in bed with a burning fever. No more cute little brother barging into my room asking me for cuddles. This comfortable little bubble I’ve been living in all my life – I’m escaping it. Everything will be so foreign. And I’ll be left to my own devices.
Moving out has been a fantasy of mine since I was a little girl. One day when I was 6, my father was teaching me maths and I got a question wrong. He started shouting at me about how he doesn’t understand why God gave him such a stupid child, like he always does. When he started shouting like that, I always got a lump in my throat because I was about to cry. He asked me the question again and my answer barely came out as a whisper. He got so angry that he grabbed me by the hair, dragged me to the front door and literally pushed me out of the house. I fell on the floor outside and started crying uncontrollably. I tried banging on the door but he wouldn’t let me in. People saw me crying on the streets but they didn’t do anything. They just walked by. I felt so unloved. So alone.
That’s when I learned a cold hard truth: I’m all I have in life.
Traumatic memories like this are what put me in therapy last year. I learned that all these home comforts and so-called friends that I have are just some added bonuses in life that I sometimes mistake for happiness. They make me forget that for as long as I am around my father, I am in a toxic environment. That’s what I need to remember in those weak moments away from home. I don’t stand a chance at happiness here because my environment doesn’t support it. At university though, the world is my Oyster. For the first time ever in my life I can do whatever I want without him trying to convince me that I’m worthless.
I have date with freedom and it starts on Sunday 🙂
Here’s to the most awaited chapter of my life. Young me would’ve never seen this day coming.