Life updates / Mental health

I’m finally moving out!

WaveringParisian33 Comments

I’m leaving for university this Sunday and the reality just sinking in. No more home cooked meals waiting for me at the dinner table. No more mum bringing me soup when I’m slumped in bed with a burning fever. No more cute little brother barging into my room asking me for cuddles. This comfortable little bubble I’ve been living in all my life – I’m escaping it. Everything will be so foreign. And I’ll be left to my own devices.

Moving out has been a fantasy of mine since I was a little girl. One day when I was 6, my father was teaching me maths and I got a question wrong. He started shouting at me about how he doesn’t understand why God gave him such a stupid child, like he always does. When he started shouting like that, I always got a lump in my throat because I was about to cry. He asked me the question again and my answer barely came out as a whisper. He got so angry that he grabbed me by the hair, dragged me to the front door and literally pushed me out of the house. I fell on the floor outside and started crying uncontrollably. I tried banging on the door but he wouldn’t let me in. People saw me crying on the streets but they didn’t do anything. They just walked by. I felt so unloved. So alone.

That’s when I learned a cold hard truth: I’m all I have in life.

Traumatic memories like this are what put me in therapy last year. I learned that all these home comforts and so-called friends that I have are just some added bonuses in life that I sometimes mistake for happiness. They make me forget that for as long as I am around my father, I am in a toxic environment. That’s what I need to remember in those weak moments away from home. I don’t stand a chance at happiness here because my environment doesn’t support it. At university though, the world is my Oyster. For the first time ever in my life I can do whatever I want without him trying to convince me that I’m worthless.

I have date with freedom and it starts on Sunday 🙂
Here’s to the most awaited chapter of my life. Young me would’ve never seen this day coming.

freedom

33 thoughts on “I’m finally moving out!”

  1. I’m glad you’re getting out of a toxic environment. Don’t think you ever have to go home against your will either. Actually I would avoid it at all costs.

    Here’s to fresh beginnings!

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  5. It’s a new beginning for you, and it only gets better from here. All the best to you in your new adventures. Just remember, if anyone dares to treat you like your father treated you, kick ’em to the curb. You deserve to be treated well, always. 🙂

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  6. Wow I just read a few of your blogs and just wow your strength and insight are inspiring to be sure. Food for thought ~ in my opinion we are NOT necessarily tied to our parents for life. If in fact they make no valuable contribution to your life and/or they are toxic ~ well you DO have choices. Not “easy” ones but you DO have the right to set limits, to define what’s acceptable to you and for your mental/physical/emotional health ~ and if they cannot abide by that then you also have the right to remove them. I haven’t read enough yet to understand your whole story but goodness you sound like one INCREDIBLE young lady to me ~ I’ll be following along now to watch your success. Much love and good wishes to you my dear ~ I have a sneaking suspicion you’re going to make your mark on the world! ❤️

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    • Your comment has made my day Paula 😄 I completely agree, my health comes first and if they don’t serve it then it’s only damaging to be around them. Thank you SO much for your kind words ☺️ I aim to help and enlighten. Very glad to have you here! Much love ❤️

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  8. I totally agree with Paula. I was made to feel very inferior by both my parents to the point where I almost begged to be sent to private school for grade 12. But it didn’t work out quite how I thought it would because I was still tied to their approval. You are strong and ready to make it on your own. I wish you all the best at Universty and look forward to reading more of your story.

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  9. HOLY CRAP… when I started a blog, I hadn’t expected anyone to read my stuff… or for me to read anybody else’s. However, I noticed you had put a ‘like’ on my post, so I thought I’d read a couple of yours.

    Your father has made me very angry. I may be an arsehole, but your father is off the scale. A parent should never treat a child that way.

    I have nothing intelligent, wise or comforting to say, sorry about that, I’m inherently useless. Hang in there, Parisian, hang in there. Enjoy University.

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  11. You are well on the path to your own personal growth, enjoy!
    Be careful not to choose darkness. Venture outside and seek the sunlight, as I write about in my articles.

    Thanks for sharing with me.

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  12. Great to read such an excited post about moving on and out! I felt like this too when I went to Uni but it took me another 20 years to realise the effect of my mother’s mental state on me and my sister. Well done for taking control of yourself right now and getting therapy early on! The world is indeed your oyster. Enjoy!

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  13. Yay for you. Reading what you went through as a child broke my heart. Although I am a 43 year old mother of two girls one in college and one still home I can relate to your story. I grew up with a mother who no doubt despised me. I have suffered my entire life with issues from my childhood. Things were different when I was growing up. There was no internet as outlet to meet others for guidance and support so I kinda grew up thinking I could not accomplish anything other than constant failure. I am so very happy to read your words and know you are flourishing and the horrible crap at home has not beaten you. Keep striving and thank you for sharing.

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