I’M BACK: The power of moving out

I’ve found it very difficult to come back to blogging and give you an honest update on how my life is going. As you may or may not know, I have finally escaped my toxic home by moving out for university.. but not quite. And that’s where it gets difficult.

University (known as college if you are American) is absolute bliss. For the first time in my life I get my own space and the freedom to explore another beautiful city with some amazing friends who are also on this journey with me.

Since starting, I’ve noticed that I dress better because I get to choose what I buy without being judged for it. I get to experiment with modest fashion – my true style. And you know what they say, look good = feel good! I genuinely think being better dressed has increased my confidence levels significantly. I’m not worrying about what other people think because I know I look good. By eliminating this superficial factor, all that’s left to judge me on is how I present myself on a deeper level. As my focus is entirely on this, I have now developed my charisma and I can enjoy conversations which flow naturally rather than being an anxious mess. It’s safe to say that my mind is at peace and I am much happier.
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The freedom to do anything I want, whenever I want is something I am eternally grateful for and I wish it could last forever. But it doesn’t. In fact, it ends every time I go back home for the weekend because I start missing my little brother or when I came home for the Christmas holidays a few weeks ago.

The first few hours of being back home are nice. I feel a rush of nostalgia as I’m surrounded by familiar places and faces after such a long time. It’s strangely comforting to see that everything is still the same. Well, everything except my family. You see, when I’m at university I am in such a state of happiness that I forget how truly horrible a place home is. So I suddenly start missing this place I call “home”and actually go back for weekend trips. I make this mistake quite often. My parents don’t even appear to miss me and my father still makes me feel as worthless as the day I was born. Everyone makes me feel like a massive burden and I feel like I just shouldn’t be there. That’s not comforting – that’s very painful. Being here takes me back to old patterns and clouds up my mind with negativity. I’ve been here for 3 weeks now for the holidays and I’m reaching a depressive state. I just want to leave.

I found it hard to know when to blog because when I wrote this post at university it was all happy and fluffy but when I wrote it at home it was all very depressing – neither of which would’ve been an accurate. Here I present you the whole picture 🙂

Just want to take the time to say Happy New Year and I look forward to being back with you in the blogosphere!

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29 thoughts on “I’M BACK: The power of moving out

  1. Great ‘seeing’ you again! Am proud of you and your adventure! Trust in yourself….life will get better as you continue to grow and find your true inner-self.

    I “lost” my family in the 1980’s. Today, my friends ARE my family! I get to pick and choose. It works for me, I love it!
    Keep smiling 😀 and hugz to you, ren

    Liked by 2 people

  2. thanks for the update! i believe things would get better, you just encouraged me to write how life at school went, dont loose hope, hgold on to the feeling that you had while you were at college knowing some time very soon that feeling would be permanent when you are finally independent and this is just a phase

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  3. At 83, I’ll soon publish a family memoir under a pen name. Family secrets brought me a toxic early life. I never learned them until I was 70. Learning their reasons brought me compassion and understanding. I love these people because everyone does their best. They people no longer bother me.I expect it is because along the way I learned to establish boundaries. Thanks for the like.

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  4. I guess I stopped trying to please everyone and always agreeing with them. This is hard to do when you still live at home. But living away will bring you confidence and maturity and hopefully your family will begin to respect you as a new person. You won’t always be available for them. As people get older, roles get reversed. I took some difficult steps toward independence. They worked and in time my family needed me more than I needed them.

    This will be way in the future for you, but I’m so glad you are happy at university! Your blog title says so much, “The power of moving out.”

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  5. Hi, I learned about you because you liked my blog the other day(An Open LEtter from a suicidal girl who decided to LIve) Anyway, I’m happy that you’re happy. i’m glad that there are people out there who really try to do great and live happily even if things around them are truly messed up. Stay motivated and God Bless You. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hiiiiii! Thank you for checking out my blog otherwise I would never have come across you!
    You are truly brave. Always remember that. I came from a toxic home too and when I went to university I used to get homesick too and forget how bad it was. When I went travelling with friends for three months, I got so homesick I cut my trip short to come home earlier. I still regret that decision to this day. I’ve now completely cut myself off from my family. In all fairness, they had rejected me first.
    Never forget how awesome you are. Never be ashamed of who you are or the person you want to me. Don’t let them judge you xoxo

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  7. You write so well about inhabiting this transitional space–partly independent, but partly still connected to your home, even if it is a painful place. It makes sense that you would get homesick. The familiar can seem restful after a lot of new experiences, and of course you miss your brother. When you feel the homesickness, you are probably remembering the things you love about home, not the unhappiness you find there.

    There will be a time though when you are more firmly on the independence side of things, and you will have had the time and education and experience to better understand yourself, your values, and how you are alike and yet different from your family of origin. That doesn’t mean your father will be kind or more accepting, but rather that you will come to a place of knowing how you want to deal with his negativity and how you want to engage with the family.

    It’s great that you love being at university. It’s a wonderful time to discover and develop yourself.

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  8. After reading your post, I find myself speechless looking for words to write. I am sorry you must endure such treatment. One thought that came to mind is that your little brother must treasure your trips home. Love and prayers …

    Liked by 2 people

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