I’M BACK: The power of moving out

I’ve found it very difficult to come back to blogging and give you an honest update on how my life is going. As you may or may not know, I have finally escaped my toxic home by moving out for university.. but not quite. And that’s where it gets difficult.

University (known as college if you are American) is absolute bliss. For the first time in my life I get my own space and the freedom to explore another beautiful city with some amazing friends who are also on this journey with me.

Since starting, I’ve noticed that I dress better because I get to choose what I buy without being judged for it. I get to experiment with modest fashion – my true style. And you know what they say, look good = feel good! I genuinely think being better dressed has increased my confidence levels significantly. I’m not worrying about what other people think because I know I look good. By eliminating this superficial factor, all that’s left to judge me on is how I present myself on a deeper level. As my focus is entirely on this, I have now developed my charisma and I can enjoy conversations which flow naturally rather than being an anxious mess. It’s safe to say that my mind is at peace and I am much happier.
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The freedom to do anything I want, whenever I want is something I am eternally grateful for and I wish it could last forever. But it doesn’t. In fact, it ends every time I go back home for the weekend because I start missing my little brother or when I came home for the Christmas holidays a few weeks ago.

The first few hours of being back home are nice. I feel a rush of nostalgia as I’m surrounded by familiar places and faces after such a long time. It’s strangely comforting to see that everything is still the same. Well, everything except my family. You see, when I’m at university I am in such a state of happiness that I forget how truly horrible a place home is. So I suddenly start missing this place I call “home”and actually go back for weekend trips. I make this mistake quite often. My parents don’t even appear to miss me and my father still makes me feel as worthless as the day I was born. Everyone makes me feel like a massive burden and I feel like I just shouldn’t be there. That’s not comforting – that’s very painful. Being here takes me back to old patterns and clouds up my mind with negativity. I’ve been here for 3 weeks now for the holidays and I’m reaching a depressive state. I just want to leave.

I found it hard to know when to blog because when I wrote this post at university it was all happy and fluffy but when I wrote it at home it was all very depressing – neither of which would’ve been an accurate. Here I present you the whole picture 🙂

Just want to take the time to say Happy New Year and I look forward to being back with you in the blogosphere!

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I’m finally moving out!

I’m leaving for university this Sunday and the reality just sinking in. No more home cooked meals waiting for me at the dinner table. No more mum bringing me soup when I’m slumped in bed with a burning fever. No more cute little brother barging into my room asking me for cuddles. This comfortable little bubble I’ve been living in all my life – I’m escaping it. Everything will be so foreign. And I’ll be left to my own devices.

Moving out has been a fantasy of mine since I was a little girl. One day when I was 6, my father was teaching me maths and I got a question wrong. He started shouting at me about how he doesn’t understand why God gave him such a stupid child, like he always does. When he started shouting like that, I always got a lump in my throat because I was about to cry. He asked me the question again and my answer barely came out as a whisper. He got so angry that he grabbed me by the hair, dragged me to the front door and literally pushed me out of the house. I fell on the floor outside and started crying uncontrollably. I tried banging on the door but he wouldn’t let me in. People saw me crying on the streets but they didn’t do anything. They just walked by. I felt so unloved. So alone.

That’s when I learned a cold hard truth: I’m all I have in life.

Traumatic memories like this are what put me in therapy last year. I learned that all these home comforts and so-called friends that I have are just some added bonuses in life that I sometimes mistake for happiness. They make me forget that for as long as I am around my father, I am in a toxic environment. That’s what I need to remember in those weak moments away from home. I don’t stand a chance at happiness here because my environment doesn’t support it. At university though, the world is my Oyster. For the first time ever in my life I can do whatever I want without him trying to convince me that I’m worthless.

I have date with freedom and it starts on Sunday 🙂
Here’s to the most awaited chapter of my life. Young me would’ve never seen this day coming.

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