Suicidal

At the start of this summer I knew that I’d be going through hell if I stayed at home with my parents the entire time like I’ve always done. But I’m 18 now, I thought. I can make as many plans as I want and I can stay out of the house as much as possible.

So, that’s what I did. For 3 weeks straight I said yes to every plan proposed by my friends and I ensured that they all happened (for my sake). I was out almost everyday laughing and taking amazing photos – two of my favourite pastimes. It was bliss.

But then this coping mechanism of mine to stay out everyday with friends backfired. I felt suffocated by all this human interaction. It was nice at first but then it became too intense. I explored this in my previous post ‘I’m tired of emotional attachments‘. Life is all about balance. At that moment, I had lost the concept of spending time with people in moderation and I felt overwhelmed. So I went from one extreme to the other. I stopped going out and I lived like I normally would.

As I snapped out of my imaginary bliss, all the pains I’d been repressing rose to the surface again. My parents were the trigger. I’m subjected to my father’s aggressive behaviour towards me and everyday I’m in awe at how he shamelessly makes me do all his work (writing his letters, emails, texts, making work phone calls) and takes full credit for it whilst he treats me like shit. Never a “please” or a “thank you”. Just “do this or I’ll hurt you”. Sometimes I cry whilst I’m doing the task because he stands right behind me watching and insulting me at the same time. I try not to let him see though because he calls me way worse things when I cry.

My mother always tells me that I am the most troublesome and disrespectful child to ever walk this planet. Her justification behind this is that I used to scream and cry all the time when I was a baby. My baby photos do support this – I’m wailing out in almost all of them. I’m her first child so it was very hard for her. It doesn’t help when your husband is an abusive asshole. What blows my mind is that she holds me responsible for behaviour that I don’t even recall as a baby. That’s what babies do don’t they? They cry. My mother treats me like I’m vile. Once when I was young I went to hold her arm probably for comfort and she pushed me away saying “Get off me, I feel so disgusted when you touch me”. I never forgot that.

On Saturday, I went to a passport photo shop to take some new photos. My younger siblings and father came with me. When he saw the photos, he started shouting at me in front of everyone about how ugly I look without my glasses on. I felt so embarrassed and hurt. I cried for ages when I got home. A younger me with no self esteem used to believe that I was ugly because my parents often said so. As I grew up and compliments added up, I realised that although I’m no supermodel, I’m certainly not ugly. When I told my friends about this they were outraged at my parents’ insanity and finally understood why I hate them with a passion. Even if I was ugly, what was the need to publicly humiliate me like that? How can you call people ugly? Let alone your own child?

This Monday it was my little sister’s birthday which I was excited for and my mother said to me “go out today and come back at night”. “Why?” I asked. “I’m not telling you” she replied. Later I found out that they planned a day out without me. I was left home alone. I’ve never felt so unwanted and hurt in my life.

It’s results day on the 18th of August. I find out whether or not I’ve been accepted into  university which is well away from home. I wouldn’t have to live here anymore. I don’t think I did well enough in my exams to get in but I’m hoping for a miracle because I can’t do this any more. The pain is unbearable. Everyday is a struggle. I’d rather be gone.

I know that I only feel this way because of my parents but isn’t it true that my parents are tied to me for the rest of my life? I can’t just cut them off and I’m losing the will to live.

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Exciting life update following this post: Click here 

Overwhelmed by all the love and support. I appreciate every single comment and I’m very grateful to be part of such a beautiful and caring blogging community ❤️

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I’m tired of emotional attachments

To me, being emotionally attached to someone is equivalent to giving this person power over your feelings. It takes one heated argument for them to ruin your day or one loving conversation for them to make your day. Why is it that caring about someone comes at such at emotional expense?

At this time in my life I have the privilege of saying that I know a lot of people. However for the past few months I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling suffocated by maintaining close friendships with people because it’s such a huge emotional investment. I’m suddenly these all these people’s mum, therapist and personal cheerleader all at once. I recognise the importance of having supportive friends in life because everyone needs someone to talk to –  but everyday? really? The problem is that the majority of my friends get upset and insulted when I purposely choose to reply 2 or 3 days later. Quite frankly it’s because I don’t actually care about what you’re wearing tonight or what hilarious joke your sister told you.

At first I thought this was because I had too many friends at once, so last month I decided to cut down and only give my attention to my 3 closest friends. I could only bear a maximum of 2 full conversations with each person in the space of a month. Every other time, I felt myself becoming bored and eager to leave to conversation in order to be by myself. So I just ignored them, spending more and more time alone as the days went by.

This might sound heartless but I care about these people in the sense that if something life threatening was happening to them then they’d have my undivided attention. But the probability of them being in a life or death situation is very low on a day to day basis. This means that every other day I’m supposed give a damn about everything else in their life. I really don’t care about people that much any more and lord knows I hate small talk.

I think this is because I’ve finally become very comfortable in my own skin and I’ve learned to love my own company. I grew up emotionally detached from my parents and still to this day I feel like a stranger in my own home when they’re around. I’ve spent my life trying to gain their love and affection only to be abused in return.  It’s heartbreaking, being attached to someone. I’ve had certain expectations of people in life and I’ve been let down a lot.

Now I literally have no expectations from people because I’ve gone past caring. If people want to stay in my life, they can stay. If they want to go, they can go. I have no fight left in me for people. I love being alone.

Note: There is a difference between isolation and solitude. Isolation is being cut off from the rest of the world, feeling lonely and devastated. Solitude is the ability to be away from the rest of the world and feeling invigorated by it, knowing fully well that I have access to people. I personally enjoy my alone time more than anything, however I can still enjoy human connection in moderation. I don’t encourage you to cut off emotional ties, it’s just the way I’m currently feeling due to personal experience. 

If I have children

If I am blessed with the privilege of having children,

I’d tell them that I love them – often.
If they get hurt, have an awful day or go through a tough time, I’d hug them and make sure they know that crying is not a weakness. Crying is natural and it is welcome, regardless of your age.
I’d never make them feel worthless. I’d make sure that they know how special they truly are.
I’d make an effort to spend time with them. I’d make sure that they know I care.
I’d put emphasis on family holidays because this is a perfect chance to bond and make memories that last forever.
I’d take lots of photographs of them.
I’d guide them in the straight and safe path but I wouldn’t force them into something they don’t want to do.
I’d want them to pick a career that would make them happy. I’d teach them that any job is a great job if you truly enjoy what you do. Then it won’t even feel like work.
I’d never want to make them feel like they are a burden to me.
I’d ensure that we talk a lot.
To my daughters, I’d tell them that if the man of their dreams is not the same ethnicity as us, that I won’t discriminate. It’s character that matters.
I’d tell my husband I love him in front of them.
I’d avoid arguing with my husband in front of them.
I’d never insult them and call them names.
I’d remind them of how beautiful/ handsome they are. I’d praise where praise is due.
I’d teach them the importance of kindness from an early age.
I’d never punish them for making academic mistakes, as long as they are genuinely doing their best.
I’d never beat them up.
I’d be conscious of everything I say because I know that children have sharp memory and that everything I say has the potential to affect them in the long term.
I’d let them know that I’m always here for them.
If anything, my parents have taught me how to not be parents.

I hope that I will treat my children better than they ever treated me.